Sometimes in life I think we get ideas of how we want things to be, who we want to be with, how we want our life to pan out. We think we have it all figured out, what we think will make us the happiest....etc. But we also seem to forget who is really in charge of our lives and sometimes forget to let Him direct our lives. Something I have learned is that our plans are a nice gesture, sometimes we can be happy when we follow through with our own plans and ideas, and other times it may not turn out how you would want it to, or how you would expect it to.
This is exactly what has happened with me. I have had my own dreams and desires that I have been actively pursuing for the last few years of my life. I had all these wonderful ideas of how things were going to work out, how my life was going to be, and how incredibly happy I thought I was going to be. But slowly things started to fall a part, I couldn't understand why things were not going exactly the way I wanted or thought they should be going. I was so heartbroken, if my desires were real and righteous, why wouldn't the Lord let my dreams become my reality?
As I started to think about what I was going through I realized that I had feelings all along that it may not work out the way I wanted. I wouldn't let myself think that, I fought myself for awhile. Hoping that the feeling would somehow disappear. I kept praying for things to go the way I wanted, that things would work out just the way I had imagined. As time went on this feeling that my dreams were not going to come true, never went away. I slowly started to realize that although the dreams and desires I had for myself were righteous, they may not have been the Lord's will. This was heart wrenching, these thoughts, ideas, and emotions were all I knew. I didn't know how to give them all up. At times I thought the Lord was asking to much for me to give up what I wanted for what He had in store. The fear of not knowing and going solely off of faith scared me to death.
I decided I couldn't ignore the promptings anymore, I had to make a decision. Up until this point in my life I had never done anything so hard. I realized that as scared as I was, I knew the Lord would provide, He would pick me up and help me to gain some perspective. Giving up all I ever wanted and knew hurt more than I can even describe, but I knew I had to do it.
Since my decision it hasn't be easy, but the Lord is not unaware. He has surrounded me with the things I need to help me get through. My family and friends have picked me up and given me strength I could not find anywhere else. The Lord has answered multiple prayers by placing certain events, people or things into my life, with the timing being perfect. I am learning to really trust my Father in Heaven, to know that He is real, He is there and He knows.
Last night I had the chance to watch the CES broadcast fireside with Elder and Sister Bednar. As I listened to the counsel and talks they had prepared, I felt that they wrote them just for ME. Elder Bednar shared a story of a newly wed couple, that soon after getting married found out that the husband had bone cancer and the prognosis was not good. They were so heartbroken, they were so scared of what was going to happen. Elder Bednar came to give the husband a blessing and asked them if they had the faith that the Lord could heal him. Both the husband and wife answered yes, and then Bednar asked do you have the faith not to be healed if it is the will of the Father? Do you have the faith to submit to His will? Elder Bednar said that before the Lord could heal the husband, the first had to have faith that he wouldn't. At that moment the husband and wife realized that they needed to "overcome through the atonement, the natural man tendency in all of us, to demand impatiently and insist incessantly the blessings we want and believe we deserve... strong faith in the Savior is submissively accepting of His will and timing in our lives, even if the outcome is not what we hoped for or wanted." The story goes on to say that the cancer went into remission, at least for awhile.
I cannot see what will happen, I do not know the outcome of my circumstances. Maybe the Lord has something else in mind, or maybe it is not time for my specific dream right now but it will be someday. But I do know that the Lord can see all, He knows me individually and He will help be to become the Woman He wants me to become.
I know that my Savior lives. I know He loves each of His children and wants us to be happy. He knows us better than we know ourselves. Even when it is hard, if we will submit to His will, He will bless us.
Although my heart at times feels broken, heartache sets in, my dreams feel shattered on the floor, I know that when we pick up those broken pieces and hand them to the Lord He can make them whole.
